You know how I know your gay… You have a girlfriend in college!


Is this even a question, I mean for god sakes its 2017.

Even five years ago when I was a little prepubescent boy scout back in college, it was still considered absurd to be exclusively dating someone.

Now, with fucking DATING APPS?

Are you kidding me?! It’s like fishing with dynamite.

The chicks are so horny it’s not even fair!

Seriously though…if a girl is on a dating app, she’s on there for a reason. don’t care what she says; the whole town knows she’s certainly not there because Aunt Sally wants her to bring home a nice gentleman for Mahjong night!

It’s a numbers game, and these days, we have access to an infinite number of girls 24/7. How can you even consider settling down?

Between campus, dorms, frats, classrooms, bars…there was enough opportunity in a pre-dating-app world for almost any guy to have trouble keeping it down all day.

Now, there’s all that normal stuff plus 37 “different-ways-to-easily-get-laid” apps.

It’s basically à la carte. What are you looking for today, fellas? Black, white, Jewish, Christian, Pakistani, tall, short, kinda chubby…you name it, they got it.

It doesn’t even matter where you go to school. You could be somewhere in the middle of Podunk, Iowa and you‘ll still find some lucky ladies on, BOOM.

Really into toes? Well perfect. Just hop on over to the Foot Fetish Network and find yourself a freak to bring home to mommy and daddy this Christmas!

Unless by some grace of god you somehow bagged that one perfect 10 supermodel (who is probably dating someone on the football team already), there’s actually no excuse. If you have a girlfriend in college at this moment, I‘m seriously going to bring your sexuality into question, no joke.

Getting ass in school these days is easier than ordering a late night pizza. Think about it. The pizza might take 45 minutes, show up with only half the order and be cold by the time it arrives. But you better believe if you work that Tinder game right, that girl will Uber over in 10 minutes and be ready to goooooo.

You think “Netflix and chill” is new? Pshhh, it was invented back in college decades ago, ever heard of “Blockbuster and bang?!” Trust me, it was a thing!

It’s at the point where it would be weird as fuck if you actually offered to take a girl out on a date.

Random college chick: “Hey guys, Bobby just offered to come pick me up and take me out for a fancy dinner. Should I call the police?”

What’s next? You’re going to start opening doors and pulling chairs out for them to sit?! Madness I tell you, MADNESS!

So let’s recap for a second here. You can get stoned and play Fifa all day without moving or spending a nickel…and order yourself up a blowjob with a side of fries?!

Jesus Christ.

I‘m not even jealous, I‘m impressed!

Do college dudes even have time to jerk off anymore or are they just too busy fucking 24/7?

Wow…what a time to be alive.

R.I.P. to any woman hoping to having a real romantic relationship in the year 2017.

Hide your kids, hide your wives (no seriously, hide them from these apps). No women are safe.

It’s a brave new world folks.

Pandora ain’t going back in the box… and by no means gentleman, should you be coming anywhere near, having an actual girlfriend in college!

Gone Speed,

Van Wilder

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