Alright, it’s time to give the people what they want!
Date of occurrence: December 2012
You know one of my favorite things about partying? One minute when you think it’s going to be a typical night out, can all of the sudden slap you right in the face…and BAM! Your hands are filled with your first pair of beautiful MILF TITS!
So here we go —– me and my boys head out to some chick’s apartment, pretty standard stuff. We’ve already pregamed the pregame mind you, but by the looks of these girls here I know I’m gonna need more than a couple shots. I thought these girls were members of a sorority, not the central park zoo!
I start slamming down shot after shot and it’s now around midnight, so I ask someone when we’re leaving — they say half an hour.
All of a sudden one of these chicks comes up to me and says she knows me somehow?
Now I have a pretty good memory, and I usually don’t forget a face, so I’m prettyyy positive I’ve never met this chick.
She was like a soft 5 (and this is me talking 8 shots deep), so just barelyyyy cute enough where it was slightly a turn on that she was BLATANTLY being this aggressive about pretending to know me, to flirt with me, and then make it obvious that she was DOWN.
At this point with this selection of females it was fine by me for the time being.
Now it’s time to leave. I’m very drunk, but still nowhere near drunk enough to enjoy getting with this girl for the evening. We all head out and we wind up at this funky spot and I beeline straight for the bar where this girl obviously follows.
I order enough to finally get me real fucked up. We take our drinks, wander off somewhere, and of course next thing you know we are eating each other’s faces off in the corner. (You know, the kinda sloppy-drunk-make-outs where you’re actually eating someone’s face the whole night, yea that’s how drunk I was!)
So now it’s 1:30. At this point, I’m basically a zombie but I can still see my friends lingering around. This girl and I go and grab some more drinks and by now I’m sitting in the ever so difficult SWEET SPOT. I’m not blacked out yet but I’m so fucked up to the point that this chick actually seems hot now!
Unfortunately, before I know it, it’s like 2:45 and I somehow lose track of all my friends, and everything else that’s going on.
Well that makes sense I guess. I’ve been eating this girl’s face all night. So clearly next thing I do is look at her and I’m like, “wanna go back to your place?”
Her: What time is it?
Me: Umm like 2:45?
Her: Holy shit I have to catch the 3:15 train! I need to leave!
And I swear before I even had a chance to try and convince her otherwise she bolted outta there, barely said goodbye.
Now here I am, dick in my hand, just wasted an entire night making out with some ugly chick and now as I am about to enter the blacked out portion of my evening, I have to find my way home miraculously.
I stumble out of the bar and just start wandering in whichever direction the wind takes me.
After a couple blocks of aimless walking, I see a sign out of the corner of my eye that I just can’t believe.
Am I dreaming?
Two of the greatest words in the English dictionary lay right before my eyes…
I’m wayyyy too drunk. That can’t be right! There must be a catch. Let me go see what the sign says from up close.
Sure enough in smaller print which any normal person that wasn’t obliterated could have read there was the rest….
“FREE PIZZA….. With every shot!”
Free pizza with every shot?!!! That’s the catch?! So If I want to get even more drunk they’ll give me free pizza?!!!
So I stroll on in all wobbly and I see the place is basically empty. There’s a couple in the corner, one bartender, and what appears to be some old lady sitting at the bar. I can’t tell because she has her back to me and oooh yeah, if I haven’t mentioned, I’m completelyyy shitfaced.
I ask the bartender is this really true?!
“If I order a shot right now you’re going to give me some pizza?”
She says yup!
“Wow! Let me get two shots please!”
Turns out my lucky night was just getting started.
As I’m given my shots and delivered my pizza that “old lady” that I saw originally sitting by the bar turned out to be a smoking hot MILF!
A MILF that was sitting all alone at the bar because her boyfriend had just broken up with her that evening. What are the chances?!
She turns towards me and smiles and I couldn’t help but smirk as I’m now noticing how hot this woman is. So of course I do the only thing that comes naturally to me…
Me “Hey, you wanna come take a shot?”
Milf: “I’d love to”
As we drink she keeps looking at me and begins to turn her body so now it’s completely facing me. We start talking and she tells me that she has a daughter who’s my age, and fills me in that she and her boyfriend just broke up.
I try and console her, we keep talking about god knows what, I’m just trying to keep her engaged and not pass the fuck out. All the sudden, she starts to unzip her top layer and it appears she has a tank top on.
Milf: “I have double D fake Tits… Wanna Feel them?”
Umm whatttt?!!! Did she just say what I think she did?! WHAT IS GOING ON!
Me: “You want me to feel your tits?”(I am giddy as a little school girl)
MIlf: “Yea let me know what you think of them”
This has to be a joke. But what asshole turns this chance down!
I feel like Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, next thing you know she’s going to want me to start calling her Kitty Cat.
But anyways under the shirt and under that bra I went……………Andddd boy were they PERFECT!!!
Like just so perfect I wanted to swim around in them and bob my head all over them.
Naturally we start making out 10 seconds into this. At this point I’m so drunk and completely incoherent to everything, I don’t know who may have been watching. Is the bartender 5 feet away staring at me feeling this woman up?
Who knows. My hands weren’t moving until somebody yanked them off those damn tits that’s all I knew!
Before you know it we’re outside and I’m trying to go back to her apartment. She starts telling me how she feels guilty because of her boyfriend blah blah blah and we wind up going our separate ways unfortunately.
I thought that was the end of it. I blew my chances with my first MILF….but when I woke up the next morning I noticed I had an extra cell phone in the back p0cket of my jeans?!
Somehow I had taken her cell phone home!
How this happens I have no clue. At this point I was crashing on my buddies couch, and another one of my friends also slept over so when they woke up and heard the story they were dying.
A couple hours later we get a phone call from her on a friend’s phone.
She asks to meet up with me to get it back so I get to see this lady once more in the day time! This should be fun. Maybe she’s gonna be down for round 2, ughh can’t get my hopes up.
And of course, my idiot friends decided to film me from the apartment window meeting up with this woman, because why not?
So I head over to see that gorgeous pair of tits one more time. Once I see her I give her back her phone and she asks if she can pay me back for it. (Yes! Let me play with your boobs again, that’s how!) But of course, that wasn’t going to happen….we hugged and went our separate ways… sadly, forever.
Somewhere deep in the treasure chest of videos one of my friends has the whole interaction from 15 stories up but you get the point.
And so, that was that. At the time my very first Mom. But unfortunately, because I never slept with her, I don’t think FREE PIZZA MILF can really count as my first!
Luckily for me she wouldn’t be my last!!