Ooo just your casual Tuesday night in LA a.k.a BANANALAND! 

Oooo boyyyy here we goo again, what a night!

Alright rather than write what could literally be 5 different blogs about this evening alone I’m going to go with the Full Play by Play of the entire night start to finish for your viewing pleasure.

***WARNING: This will be LONGGGG.

I’m taking you on a first hand journey into the deep dark back alleys of my twisted mind as only I know how. Time Stamps, side Bars, non sequitur’s, tons of horrible grammar get ready to danceeee.

Buckle up those seat belts folks you’re in for a fucking doozy….


Tuesday, December 20th 2016

Sooo I wake up devastated because I just lost my Fantasy Semi-Finals. Heartbroken would be an understatement.

I mozy around half the morning doing nothing, talk to a couple of people on the phone and plan on heading out to a couple of bars late afternoon.

Nothing crazy planned, maybe meet my sister at some point, and there’s a chance I’m meeting some Tinder woman, but you never know with those fools obviously.

3:30 pm:  Leave Venice for a Tao interview

So I saw an ad on Craigslist saying there was a Tao opening sometime in the new year and they were doing open interviews the past week.

The last day was actually this Tuesday from 9-5 lucky me.

So as I got into the UBER I thought I had to rush and get there by 430 the latest because they might be leaving.

I honestly just expected like every other place that has open calls basically to walk in, speak with a manager at Tao, and see if they liked me.

Silly me, little Keith prancing around LA so innocent, so clueless that TAO just so happens to be a MONSTER BRAND and everybody wants to work there!

I walk into an office building slightly confused, I don’t see a restaurant anywhere in sight.

The doorman was like “are you here for TAO? Head down the hall on the left.”

As I head down the hall I hear music playing, ooo boy, what have I got myself here.

I turn the corner to walk in and then BAM.

50 Gorgeous girls and guys just sitting down facing me as I walked in and I’m immediately approached by a big bouncer like it’s a club.

Bouncer: “How’s it going kid. Here’s a form, fill it out, and feel free to grab a Red Bull”
Me: “ok thanks” (as I’m trying to simultaneously get a glance at all the hot girls everywhere)

Free Red Bull? You had me at Hello!

I didn’t plan on this but fuck yea free Red Bulls and get to see some hot chicks right now I’m gameee.

So I grab a Red Bull and do a quick scan of the room. Theres literally 50 people sitting there waiting like it’s an audition. A couple of tables that look important and then a whole open side room where people are sitting down and getting interviewed personally.

It looks like there’s 10 going on at once holy smokes.

Alright hmm should I sit in the back mind my own business, nahh I think I’ll sit right in the middle, right next to that smoking HOT girl!

This Tao girl was a LA 9.5. Kid you not!

(and that’s only beucase A. Its the LA scale. B. Haven’t seen her personality and C. haven’t confirmed she has a clean vagina! (ok just kidding with that last one, but not really?!)

Side Bar: LA GIRLS have a Different Scale! 

LA Hotness is so different then the normal world,  I’ve been here for less than 2 months but I’m positive.

See people wanna compare New York and LA girls and like it’s not even closeeee.

Picture if all the hot girls, no sorry check that, the 10s that floated around magically in high school a.k.a the ones that every single guy in school would jerk off to, came to LA!

Realistically you got all of these girls from fucking Louisiana Cucamongo high school, and Minnesota church of the catholic day School, and Mississippi farmers only after sunset high, that from ages 16-25 all decide to migrate to Los Angeles with maybe only sole intentions of making it based on their looks/ really nice assets!

And those girls are everywhere you look!

Waiting tables, Bartending, Hostesses, Dancers,door girls, fucking I had a smoking hot chick valet my car the other day! I kid u not, ok fine I made that one up also (I don’t have a car here!) but you get the point!

Anyways Back to Tao…

So  I decided to sit next to this hot chick. Turns out her name is Summer.

LA 10!!!

A hot girl with a hot name? Ughhh love it.

She proceeds to tell me she used to commute to VEGAS! What? Jesus christ from LA for your job? I can’t even wrap my head around that I mean hate commuting to the bathroom. (think about it, think about it!)

Soo I continue to chat her up and fill out the form. Then once I’m done I bring it over to this desk where they tell me I’m getting my picture taken. Ooo good thing I wore a button down I guess!

They take photos of my front and my back! (Fuck I forgot shave my overgrown neckline god dammit TAO!)

After I’m done I sit down and keep talking to this chick. There’s literally 50 people who were there before me in the waiting room I figure I’ll be waiting for a while but nopeeeee.

2 minutes later some guy yells out “Keith Berman”.

Wow how am I going in already, how did I just skip this line? (And yesss I wanted to keep talking to the hot chick more fuck!!)

So I walk into the interview side room where theres like 10 kids chatting with other people. I sit down and apparently the guy that took me is the General Manager of the Restaurant.

Wow so I got an important person for the “interview” why me?

He talks to me and asks me almost nothing and basically and just tells me that this first round is just to get faces and they’ll call me back in a 2-3 days if there interested in me.

Okkkk umm that was quick? What just happened?

Why was that so short yet I was with someone who was actually important I’m quite confused.

As he shakes my hand and I start to walk out, I walk back into the other room and the hot chick is still there but I think she’s looking at me half wondering why I went in before her also.

I didn’t really know what else I was supposed to do other than walk out so I did. I looked back at her and wasn’t sure if she was giving me a look or not.

So I sat there outside confused for a second because an interview that quick can never be good, or at least that’s what I’m thinking.

Andd I feel like I coulda maybe gotten drinks with her if I had the time to keep working game, ughh what do I do. I wish I had gotten her number I didn’t have enough time dammit!

Alright I’ll grab pizza next door and figure it out.

Not going to get into a pizza rant right now, eventually I will, but I have a quick slice and decide to sit back down outside that building. I honestly don’t know what the statute of limitations for waiting without being creepy technically would be but I was probably close.

So what after may have been a 2o minute phone call with a friend I decided to pull the plug and head to my second planned stop of the evening.

Picking up a HOT chick from the interview wasn’t in the cards I guess.

Around 6pm: Head to other Bar

It takes me about 45 minutes walk but on my way there I run into an IN-N-OUT BURGER.

People keep yelling at me that I haven’t gone to IN-N-OUT so fuck it I already ate some pizza but might as well get this over with.

IN-N-OUT Review: 

The place is packedddddd.

I thought the line was long but most people have already ordered there just waiting for their food.

The menu is literally like 4 items. I figure I’ll get a cheeseburger, try their special fries and a shake.

I somehow find a little one seater at a counter and figure I’ll be waiting a bit which I was.

Food comes out and honestly the cheeseburger my main dish was the worst! Burnt bun, terrible. Burger wasn’t that great especially compared to shake shack burger and I’m not so crazy about those either. (Any real NYC kid knows Shnippers is where it’s atttttt!)

The funky fries were pretty good I’m not going to lie and the milkshake was just a typical milkshake nothing crazy.

Overall it was just mediocre to bad and I really am glad I did that because I won’t be going out of my way to go there again.


7pm: Walk into the other bar

I get to the other bar and chat up a women I had met once a week earlier when I was doing laps of bars. She gives me the contact info of the bar manager and I’m on my way before I realize I need to go back for that bathroom the IN-N-OUT is on its way OUT!

Clean private bathroom love ittt.( the little things that make me happy you’d be suprised)

So now its like 7: 30 and I get a text from the Tinder chick.

Tinder chick: “We’re on for 9 still right?” 

Me: “yup”

Alright so I gotta now walk back up 45 minutes that’s perfect because I have time to kill.

Mind you all I know of this Tinder chick is she’s 34 (turned out she was 36) and she owned an Urgent Care so she’s clearly doing well. More like a Tinder Woman.

She wanted to meet me right after she was closing up across the street at a Star bucks I was down fuck it why not I’m curious as fuck.

I head over early thinking of course StarBucks will have some places to charge my phone that’s dying on me.

I get there and apparently Starbucks has other things in mind because the outlets are all nailed up, WTF!

I guess people were just living there with their computers and phones never leaving and Starbucks had enough. That’s the only reasonable explanation.

Anyways she’ll be there in 20 minutes so I wait.

She gets in, looks sorta confused, but she does look like her pics.

She’s very nice, has what appears to be a nice rack under that sweater of hers, and she’s wearing a cool leather jacket.

We sit and talk she’s quite the character, basically explains that she likes younger guys and stuff”. She’s not a one night stand”. “She likes doing activities and wants someone to do them with her” And she “has no plans of getting married ever”. “She used to date a 28 year old”. “She mentioned boy toy and talked about how she likes younger guys multiple times because there fun!”

She also went to USC med school and worked as a corporate doctor for a bunch of years blah blah blah.

Interesting though for sure.

She also was kinda staring at me with googly eyes and called me adorable, cute, and handsome a bunch of times. She suggested I model and also randomly claimed I could take the train around LA that I don’t know about, but sure, I’ll look into it!

Anyways after about 45 minutes she had told me beforehand she planned on going to the gym, so it was time to wrap this up. Annoying I’d rather just go back with her this evening but sure. (and I spent zero dollars for drinks,not even a Starbucks coffee I just had a water she had nothing…… love ittt)

We walk outside I wait to order the UBER I want to see what’s possibly going to happen next.

We head over to her car and she’s like “here come in you’ll be warm and then you’ll grab your UBER”. (yessss)

Then we get in I couldn’t tell what kind of car she had but when I sit down I see her screen that says the name on it and kinda do a double take.

Me: “Wait what Kind of car is this”

Her: “Masserati”

Jesus! I’m sitting in a Masserati that’s hilarious I don’t think I’ve ever been in one.

Me “Ooo nice this is an awesome car, I drive a jeep”

Her: “Ooo I have one also, I have a RangeRover also”

2 cars?!! Masserati and RangeRover look at you!

Wow, doctors huh?! Making bankkkkk.

I call my UBER and when its time to basically leave she asks for a hug and kiss goodbye. I give her a hug and kiss on the cheek but then I say “I actually wanna kiss you though” Then I just lean in for the Kiss fuck it!

We makeout for a little and then my UBER is arriving. He’s sitting in the parking lot but I just go to keep making out with her for a bit. This woman isn’t even that attractive but there’s something sexy about her.

I finally depart, hop in that UBER and I figure I’ll just head back to Venice to call it a night.

I’m just thinking about how in about 2 days I’ve gotten with two women over 10 years older than me and I may have a real shot at a potential DATE AND SHELTER with both!

Mind you in the midst of the evening while I was at IN-N-OUT the 40 year old called to say I should go see her landlord soon to discuss moving in come the new year. Wow so that’s maybe real, how hilarious that would be I can’t even imagine.

10pm:  I get in the UBER

Of course right as I got into the car my sister texts me saying how was the date and that she’s out in West Hollywood with her boyfriend and his friend. I completely forgot in the midst of this that I was maybe gong to meet up with her.  And yes my sister had been in town for a week that’s been pretty cool hanging with her here.

I’m like fuck it why not? I change that UBER destination right in time and I’m on my way to some bar.

It was a cool spot some dude was playing piano and killing it right next to our table.

I meet my sisters boyfriends friend. He’s awesome, got real long hair but a great look I think. He’s from Minnesota moved out 4 months ago bascially same age and he’s  trying to make moves directing and stuff.

Great smile I can tell he’s a positive kid but seems a little worn down and he’s lost some confidence. I think LA is probably hard for a kid from Minnesota they don’t have that NY toughness.

Thing is he’s a mad cool kid and likes to direct, take videos, and pictures…. That’s beyond perfect for me that’s what I’m looking for!

I don’t know what’s going to happen with him but I have a feeling its far from the last time we’ll be hearing his name.

So this new bar closes at 11 and were all down to keep going out so I suggest we head over to Delilah this fancy cocktail bar where they may be a celebrity siting/ hot girls and just some fancy people.

Also on my way to the bar earlier after IN-N-Out I had done a “PreShmooze” around 7pm before I stopped off at bar number 2.

Btw I invented the PreShmooze!

The PreShmooze”:  is when your trying to go somewhere awesome and fancy that’s hard to get into later that night, or there’s always long lines and so you chat it up much earlier in the night when nobody is there and its slow with all the hostesses, door people bartenders whoever you can. You get to know all the gatekeepers and then when you come back later in the evening you just stroll right in as if you’re some VIP because they all remember you and hopefully like you.

I also wanted to see if my bartender friend from the last bar was working there that evening, and he was, so we talked about me getting fired for 5 minutes. He was shocked also and said they were understaffed now for the Holidays. (Good assholes I’m going to enjoy my Christmas and NYE not working thank you very much!)

11pm: Head to Fancy Bar with that crew.

Much to the shock of my new “director friend” we stroll right in the hot hostess remembers me, I remembered her name, and it was simple as could be. He was convinced we wouldn’t get in but he didn’t believe me about my PreShmooze tactics, he’ll learn.

And of course this is how my evening was going as I go to order from my bartender friend I introduce him to my sis and we get a free round of drinks! ( mind you it was basically 20 bucks a drink there!)

“Bartenders code” I’m telling you! Works 50% of the Time Every time!

(No it actaully works like 95% of the time. I don’t always say something but when its appropriate I do and I get preferential treatment, quicker or free drinks you name it, bartenders got each others backs)

Of course I gave him a big fat cash tip which was better than whatever he was getting if he charged me.

He wins, I win, the bar wins! We’re happy, we enjoy the place and we wind up saying good things about it! Winninggggg

Soooo whose the first guy we see in there ten seconds in…..  Scooter Braun a.k.a Justin Biebers agent having dinner 5 feet away. One of the Biggest agents in Hollywood right now, period.

Ahh I’m hovering around the Biebs I can feel it! (Almost met him the night before he was with my DJ friend at his party that I decided not to overstep my boundaries and invite myself)

And yes of course I’m a BELIEBER. Watch his first movie and you’ll get it.Or actually just look at that kids life, say what you want, but he’s murdering it!

Alright so we have some drinks no big deal standard night it’s about 12ish now and my sister is calling it a night so I figure it’s time to head back finally

12pm: Call a UBER share since I’m in no rush right now, figure might as well! 

I hop in front becuase there’s 2 people in the car already a guy and what looks like a pretty cute girl haven’t gotten a great look at her yet, but I ask whose playing the awesome music?

The girl: “Me, you like it”

Me: “Hell yea this is legit”

Alright so I start chatting it up with her shes friendly and who knows where just being friendly with someone can go no harm ever.

Then 3 minutes later it turns out where dropping off the guy first. Wow. Bingooo.

Soo now it’s just me up front her in the back and she kinda slides into the middle seat to talk to me better. I’m feeling this.

Then she starts talking about how she’s not done with her night and going to go out and asks me what I’m doing. Ooo she just left the door open and you know I’m going to take it!

Me: “I don’t know I’m down to party still what are you going to do?” 

Her: “I think I’m going to go home first and blaze and then meet up with some friends”

Me: “Ooo shit your going to blaze, how do I get involved in that?”

Her: “Ummm I don’t know, you wanna come smoke with me then go out?”


So now let me get this straight this pretty cute girl who kinda looks a little bit like an uglier version of Sasha Grey just met me in this uber and invited me over to her Beverly Hills apartment to blaze?

I can’t make these stuff up people it just keeps getting funnier!

Also I haven’t even mentioned but I’ve been completely sober this entire evening! My vape pen ran out yesterday and so besides a few beers I was having this much fun completely sober all night!

Alright so I walk in and the place stinks of weed! Gotta love those kind of chicks.

She’s got bongs for days weed paraphernalia everywhere. She says “lets hit the bong”. .”Sure” ( ughhh bongs knock me the fuck out this could get dangerous!)

She goes into her room to change and I’m like kinda talking to her still and so I just keep going, and she just changed right in front of me. I watched her take off her top, saw her in her hot red bra,  and then she threw a shirt over it and pulled an impressive taking it off under her shirt and through her arm move.

She’s a pro.

Now is a good time to mention in her small little room she’s got a Piano on a stand sitting right next to her bed!

She plays Piano haha who is this girl?! Apparently she composes songs for big movies and stuff.

I also noticed she had no TV in the apartment and the only thing on her wall in her room was what looked like a foam Pony or Horse head with a Wig on it?! If that’s not strange I don’t know what is!

She offers me food she’s got a stocked fridge. I have some of course, awesome.

She fills us both up with full glasses of water and juice and then cheers me and says “Le Haim”. (Ooo shes jewish also?)

Never would have guessed.

After we smoke I’m like I wanna hear you play piano. She does and she’s got a funky voice, its good, deep but cool.

As time went on I noticed more and more she was a bit of weirdo (Becuase the Pony with the wig wasn’t enough of a sign!) and she kind of just spoke to herself while she was like fixing her songs she was working on.

Then out of nowhere she runs to the other room and grabs a TRUMP MASK to hang up on her lamp post?!!!

WTFFF is going on haha, I mean I don’t mind Trump but that’s just weird as ballssss!

Whatever fuck it, she’s hot enough, I’m high enough,  time to go in for the kill.

Sooo I got closer to her and I kind of touch her back to start flirting and I say

Me: “Oooo you don’t have a bra on I forgot”

Her: “I never wear bras, only for my girlfriend to take off”

Hmmm for your girlfriend I’m thinking?

Now she did mention she came from her Girlfriends earlier but I thought she meant a girl who was a friend.

But Taking off bras is more than just a friend!

Me: “Wait you have like an actual girlfriend? I thought you meant earlier a girl you were friends with?”

Her: “No I have meant like a girlfriend”

Me: “So you don’t like guys? You’re a lesbian?!” 

Her: “I never said that, I like guys also. I like People”

JESUS! She likes “PEOPE!” Hahaha yea so do I! Doesn’t mean I sleep with dudes also!

Sooo now my head is in a pretzel but she likes people a.k.a guys also, there’s definitely a window of opportunity here.

She tells me she’s going to get ready to go to her friends in the valley. One of her ex girlfriends and there’s a couple of other people there.

Umm Ok I don’t even know how many girlfriends she has at this point or if she’s inviting me for a Gang Bang!

But I figure now is the time to try and see if I can get with her for real before she goes. I tap her ass and she kind of reacts a little defensively.

Shes like “Woahh I just met you easy now”

Alright maybe this isn’t definitely happening I guess?

She then mentions again about us heading to the Valley to meet up with her friends and if I wanted to come.At this point I’m high as fuck from those bong hits and she threw some damn hash in it of course so I also start to get slightly paranoid for no reason I mean what goes down in the “Valley?!”

What if this is some elaborate scheme to kill me?! I did just meet her in and UBER I don’t know the Valley is the opposite direction!

I decide it’s better off if I just head back home better safe then sorry I figure I ain’t getting raped or walking into some GANG BANG with some Valley kids!

(apparently she claimed it’s actually a really safe jewish type neighborhood, but what do I know I’m not from this country!)

I figure I’ll get her number and see if we meet up again.

Ooo and she decided to throw me a nice Pre Rolled joint and some extra weed that she had just sitting around for the  goof! Goodybag!

So that’s it, I’m calling a regular UBER no more antics, this evening has been absurd enough.

Honestly I feel like Tucker Max these days for real, jesus.(besides the whole being an asshole thing of course!)

Getting with all these older woman, picking up strangers left and right, I’m not even going out of my way really I’m just living!

Alright I think that’s enough from me this evening this was long but I hoped whoever winds up reading it enjoys it!

Nothing insane happened but seeds are planted all over the place!

I mean I have 2 potential Date and Shelters with a 36 and a 40 year old woman. Met a Director kid that could be a good friend of mine when he comes back from Minnesota over the break. Almost Ran into Bieber again. Met some Pot Head Bi-sexual Lesbian chick in an UBER who I could hit up to hang whenever.

Andd Ooo did I mention my phone was getting blown up with bumble and tinder chicks randomly throughout the evening as well!

For all those “How I met your mother” fans its like when Barney puts his number on TV during the Superbowl.

All the sudden he keeps getting nonstop calls from hot chicks and while he’s with one he just keeps leaving for another one. “The girls never end! “New is always better!”

Uyy my head is spinning I’m not good at the internet!

I completely forgot my original plan was some light job searching this evening so much for that! ( Then again I guess I did both…. job searching and picking up girls that’s the life I’m living these days! Could be worse…… lost my job, a potential 30K, and my fantasy championship aspirations all in one week! I could have jumped!)

Seriously though time for a break day today. Took me long enough to write this.

Buttt then again its early and there’s an evening ahead, why not go out somewhere close in Venice or Santa Monica tonight?

Its a Wednesday in the city of dreams a.k.a BANANLAND, WHY NOT?!

Alright its been real guys, stay tuned things are starting to warm up.

Gone Speed,

The Real, Keith Berman.

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